My First Love, Sex Addiction, and Castration#
First love is beautiful, but I'm almost forgetting that feeling. It's a feeling that makes my eyes moist when I think about it. For a child under ten years old, the criteria are simple: good-looking and not too bad. Because of this simplicity, first love is always nearby, with classmates or someone from elementary school. This kind of liking is very pure, and every child's heart has the hope of being loved and the taste of first love.
Of course, when we were children, we were pure. This kind of first love is only a kind of secret love, and it can only be that way. But that's enough. Children are always idealistic, and it is their ideals that make their first love so charming. All children, regardless of height, weight, intelligence, or appearance, feel that they have found the person they will spend their lives with. They firmly believe that this is what their future partner looks like.
What did my first love look like? To be honest, my memories of junior high school and before have become blurry, as if they have merged into one person. I forgot their faces, but I can still feel them turning back and smiling at me. I always remember standing far behind them after school, watching them walk out of the school gate and disappear.
Some people may think that not pursuing love is cowardly, and I absolutely admit that I am a coward to the core.
In junior high school, I knew nothing about sex. My classmates would talk about some explicit stories in the dormitory, but I didn't understand. Because of my ignorance of worldly knowledge, many people would ridicule me. Being introverted was a characteristic of my childhood. Adults thought I was stupid. Classmates would occasionally bully me, like threatening to beat me on Friday nights. I felt that it shouldn't be like this. The things I read in books and saw on TV told us that it was wrong. So I seemed to grasp a lifeline and told them, "You can't do this." Maybe my cowardice didn't say it to them like that, they just thought I was a fool.
Later, when I was about to graduate from junior high school, I accidentally touched my genitals and felt a sense of masturbation. It was then that I understood what they were talking about.
In order to avoid being laughed at, I realized that I needed to have a good understanding of sex so that people wouldn't think I was weird. I started asking others what "seeds" meant. I was like a person thirsty for knowledge, constantly asking my classmates opposite me, who was a repeater and might know a lot. At that time, I had hardly touched a computer except for computer classes. As for going to internet cafes, it wasn't a good place according to my family's education, so I never thought about going. Only a few times when classmates dragged me there did I experience the atmosphere of a dark internet cafe.
As I wished, I became very knowledgeable about sex. I started to behave openly in front of my roommates. They all thought I was perverted, and I felt that it was a commendation for me. At the same time, the frequency of my masturbation increased.
At this point, my cowardice and introverted personality told me that there were some strange fluctuations in my heart. That feeling was hard to resist, different from sex, it was the feeling of first love. I started to hate this feeling because it made me suffer.
Beauty, ugliness, good or bad personality, wealth, academic performance, intelligence... I am no longer the person who had first love back then, and my standards for judging a partner have completely changed. I started to blur and adopt an ostrich policy, desperately hoping to castrate this uncontrollable affection from my heart. Whether it's Laozi or Buddhism... on a physiological level, I increasingly used masturbation to numb myself.
Everything went as desired, and I became more and more cowardly and addicted to masturbation.
In the subsequent life, Xihano mentioned that the objective criterion for love is appearance. I found that love seems to be beyond my reach. Appearance is the most important criterion for love, but not necessarily the most important indicator for marriage.
I no longer expect love and believe that marriage is not based on love.
I no longer reject ugly people as partners, even though I am ugly myself. Because in my opinion, marriage is a certain material foundation, a way for everyone to live a normal life. At this point, you don't have to hide from the gaze of others and society, and you don't have to intensify your fear of aging and death because you don't have children.
At this point, the feeling of first love has completely disappeared or hidden deep in my heart. But there is still a slight longing for love in my heart.
The spirit and the flesh, without the physical beauty, is the meeting of souls a pursuitable goal?
So, I started to chat online frantically, trying to find a soul that could lean on each other. With a lot of practice, I found that souls do not need and cannot lean on each other. If souls can lean on each other, then they are not true souls. What is it then? It's the dependence of material. The true dependence of souls exists in the subjective world, and the subjective world belongs only to myself. So, is it ridiculous to seek the meeting of souls?
When love has been proven impossible, the value of genitals has rapidly depreciated.
Marriage may be a possible choice. At this point, marriage is completely based on utilitarian standards. Utilitarianism is the pursuit of maximizing benefits, whether personal or social. On one hand, it is a normal life, spending a lifetime and passing on offspring. On the other hand, it is an abnormal life, enjoying a few decades of miserable death. When weighing the benefits, which one should be chosen? I believe everyone has their own answer. This answer is not important because it is just a matter of weighing interests. What else is there to say?
When all possibilities have been denied by me, the function of genitals for me is reduced to only masturbation. But sensory pleasure is difficult to sustain, especially when masturbation used to involve fantasies of love. After all these values have been stripped away, the only weak reason for this kind of masturbation is the pleasure it brings. Therefore, any other reasons, such as energy or hobbies, are gradually extinguished.
Now, the stage is the dullness after castration. Of course, I don't support activities like removing the uterus or sterilization (in fact, it may constitute a crime of harm under criminal law, but of course, opinions may vary, and there are views such as "the body is given by one's parents"). According to the utilitarian view, if these things can create value in the future and be justified by weighing interests, why not do it?
Regarding the positive name of utilitarianism, everyone doesn't have to think that utilitarianism is very selfish. On the contrary, utilitarianism is just a tool for weighing interests. In every transaction we are involved in, we have already made moral judgments or judgments from other perspectives.
At this point, my first love, sex addiction, and castration have come to an end. It's another self-indulgent nonsense. I hope that when I'm close to death, I can live in the grave I dug myself and type my last obituary on the computer. Perhaps this is just a luxury.
As the saying goes, the friendship between gentlemen is as light as water. Through the question of the meeting of souls, I think Zhuangzi's words make sense.
Who can call for help, supporting each other, shedding tears for heroes, it's better to forget each other in the world.
20230708 Night
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