Friends#
Childhood#
Not long ago, I had a dream.
In a gang war, I was facing someone who was rushing towards me alone. The automatic rifle in my hand shot bullets like popping beans, but the bullets were deflected before they hit the enemy. In my panic, he had already run up to me, and in my desperation, I swung the gun at his head, narrowly escaping danger. Friends who often "kill" know that killing is easy, but disposing of the body is difficult. I rode a tricycle alone to dispose of the body, which always made me uneasy.
To prevent the body from being discovered, I covered it with a tattered quilt. Because it was summer, I decided to dispose of the body the next day.
On the way to the disposal site (an abandoned demolition village), I met my childhood playmate in the shack area. She was even more beautiful and delicate than I remembered, at least in terms of her facial features.
When I saw her, I stopped the tricycle and asked, "How have you been recently?" In fact, there was no need to say much. We had played together naked. We knew each other inside out. It was because of this that I found her current maturity and beauty intriguing.
"It's okay. I'm cooking at home now, and I'll be making pancakes later."
"Are you married now?" I shouldn't have asked that question. Because I knew that as a lively and outgoing person, she was always liked by others and could get along well with the opposite sex. Unlike me, who couldn't even enter a social gathering. So she must be married.
"I'm married, and I'm with Xiao L." I was shocked. Xiao L is my best friend, or at least I don't know if we can be considered friends anymore. We haven't been in touch for a long time. According to her, Xiao L is now a chef and has a gambling problem. He usually ignores her.
After a while, I saw Xiao L on the road. I pulled him aside and pressed his head with my hand, saying, "She is the person I like the most, you must treat her well." Xiao L smiled awkwardly.
Then, I wrapped the quilt on the body again and rode the tricycle northward.
After disposing of the body, I saw her and Xiao L in the mall. It seemed like they were looking for me. I always felt guilty towards her because I thought she was a thief and scolded her for several days. Later, I found out that the hairpin she had wasn't stolen, it was given to her by my family. I had even forgotten the specific details, I just remembered feeling very guilty. Now all of this has been deliberately forgotten.
Although I saw them, they flashed through my mind and disappeared. They were my childhood friends. No matter what kind of life they were living, it was a normal and traceable life. And I was a weak murderer. Although they lived in the shantytown, I looked down on it, but I felt that my actual living conditions were even more unspeakable.
High School#
I had a high school classmate who loved playing basketball. Because of his big butt, he had a great impact on the basketball court, so he was called "Big Butt".
Big Butt had a tough exterior but was gentle on the inside. Before the second year of high school, he had no interest in liberal arts. He liked asking questions and was even called the standout by the math teacher. Of course, we were the ones being compared to chickens, and as someone who was terrible at math, I couldn't even be considered a chicken.
But in the third year of high school, I don't know what happened, maybe it was because of his family, Big Butt suddenly became interested in liberal arts. He started liking essays by female writers and history, which became his favorite subjects.
Of course, many years have passed since then. Big Butt is one of the few high school classmates who still keeps in touch with me, but I dismissed him with a few words. Big Butt has never contacted me again. Maybe he will in the future.
Big Butt couldn't stand some things in the world. He liked the traditional life of small bridges and flowing water, men farming and women weaving. He initially thought that people's hearts had become corrupt, and they were all obsessed with pursuing money and status.
I expressed my views on the ruling class to him and pointed out the political reasons behind it. Although he didn't believe it at first, with the three years of the pandemic, being a house slave, and thought control, he gradually believed what I said.
I doubted whether I was instilling some bad things in others. He said that he knew that these things were not popular and felt that his perspective on issues had changed.
And I was actually worried. I compared politics to the Black Forest. Once you enter the political Black Forest, you can never leave. You can only bear the mission of survival and hide from the hunter's dark gun.
I officially established this idea on November 29, 2022. Since then, I don't like to talk about politics, or I talk about politics in an obscure way. But in any case, I strictly limit my political exchanges with others.
However, Big Butt had already partially accepted my views during the mid-term of the three-year pandemic.
Big Butt said that he felt increasingly estranged from the people around him. He expressed that he would not let his children live as tired as we did. He also said that he wouldn't become a house slave. Renting a place to live is also good.
Although this political view brought him benefits, I still doubt whether what I did was right.
As one of the few people who came to the village to find me, Big Butt came to the village with another classmate near the Spring Festival last year. I didn't invite Big Butt into my home because this "home" is not mine.
And I really don't like talking and chatting over food and drinks. It is a burden for me.
I rode my electric bike alone to the village. After a brief chat with Big Butt and some other friends, offline communication is not pure. Moreover, with a third party present, Big Butt didn't come specifically to find me. After a short while, we all went home.
After that, I still occasionally communicate with Big Butt. But I have never actively contacted him.
One late night, during a conversation with Big Butt, we discussed the utilitarian nature of human relationships.
I was the only one talking throughout the conversation.
I pointed out that all relationships are material relationships for anyone, and pure spiritual relationships do not exist. So, I don't believe in friendship.
If there is a pure spiritual friendship, it is the kind of linguistic communication we have.
I always say that it is better to forget each other in the world than to support each other. Rather than two people clinging to each other, it is better to be like fish in the sea or birds returning to the deep forest.
After that, Big Butt didn't say much, just like before, occasionally reaching out to me.
One time, Big Butt found me again, saying that he was bored and then talked about other things. I found it uninteresting, so I told him late at night, "Too much contact between friends is not good." Since then, Big Butt has not contacted me.
Heartless People#
Above are two stories about my friends.
I have always believed that I am a person without friends. Even if I once had friends, they have already drifted away from me. Perhaps, I can only remember their figures in my dreams.
Modes of Communication#
Friends are a type of social relationship, and I have always analyzed friendship objectively. I believe that friends need to have shared interests to maintain the relationship. And I, myself, do not have any value to exchange with others. Just like Big Butt, the only thing I can do to help him is to give him advice and analyze the problems he faces. But I never actively contact any friends, or even if I do, it is just a matter of courtesy. The way I interact with friends is also very limited, just chatting with others. Using my knowledge to analyze things. Apart from that, there is nothing else. But I have few friends who maintain a relationship with me. Big Butt might be one of them. But we haven't been in touch much. Of course, I think he will still contact me. It's just that my views and attitude towards friendship seem to remain the same.
Since friendship is an objective material thing, both physical and verbal modes of communication are valid ways, and they require a medium of interest. Just like my conversations with friends, it is a way to maintain a long and genuine conversation. Each communication event can last for several hours, sometimes from 9 pm to 2 or 3 am. Even if we never see each other again, I feel no regrets. I feel that it is better to forget each other in the world. Because as a person who escapes from society, I don't have much material to offer. The only thing I can offer is a long and genuine conversation. And once we forget each other, the most important information has already been conveyed during the conversation. I have poured out my understanding and insights into the world. So even if we never meet again, what difference does it make?
Not Initiating Communication#
I don't try to initiate communication. I don't want to change others actively. The content I express, the words I use, are like a poorly designed house in my eyes. My grand building is easily toppled. My stars may not be able to illuminate the stars of others. My value may be zero in the eyes of others. My gifts have no form and are insignificant.
Comfort Zone#
There is a popular theory about comfort zones nowadays, which suggests that in order to grow, one must constantly pursue pain. I can't help but ask, what drives those who want to break out of their comfort zones to constantly seek pain? Is it for greater benefits, higher cognition, or to avoid future risks? Why must we break out of our comfort zones? Can't we just stay in our comfort zones and live a comfortable life until we die?
Pain is not a good thing, and progress does not necessarily mean discomfort. Can't there be a relaxed and effective way of making progress? I think Lightism may provide another perspective. As someone who often experiences pain, I don't think comfort is bad. On the contrary, comfort is a high pursuit. If a person can live comfortably throughout their life, I think it's worth it. Breaking out of the comfort zone means constant change, constantly creating more value, and overcoming obstacles... I think this behavior is expected by the collective. We already know that life is meaningless, at least no one can find a universal meaning, even just being alive, this greatest common denominator of meaning, many of us have already achieved it. But within the collective, there are still many forces that constantly advocate pain.
Anti-Collective#
I am against the collective. It is precisely because there is a huge inequality between individuals and the collective. Equality between individuals and the collective can never be achieved. And this inherent inequality, even if balanced by laws and morals, can never be eliminated. And many times, it is just a trick played by the collective.
The subjectivity of communication between individuals is the reason why I don't seek active communication. I expect to communicate with others, just as I hope that someone will like what I write and feel satisfied when the numbers increase. But I feel guilty towards those who feel pain after reading my words. I don't want to cause pain, or create anxiety. Although I have always wanted to root my thinking, I know that I have been branded by the collective. I just want to escape further. Should I actively engage in social behavior to transform society and seek contact with others?
Emotional People Are Not Necessarily Heroes#
Lu Xun once said that emotional people are not necessarily heroes. I have always felt surprised. Shouldn't it be that emotional people are not necessarily heroes? In history, apart from the ruling class like "those who dare to bear the weight of the world," all the civil and military officials who are remembered by later generations are remembered because of their emotions and righteousness. So logically, emotional people should be heroes, and they should be recognized by the world. According to my understanding, emotional people are not necessarily heroes, so how can heartless people be considered heroes?
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